Happy February everyone! Let’s take some time to unpack the idea that self-love and self-acceptance are rebellious ways to challenge the status quo, continue healing from personal and collective trauma, avoid supporting toxic systems you don’t agree with, and step into your power and joy.

What if You Aren’t a Rebel?

But first, a disclaimer of transparency and vulnerability. I feel some imposter syndrome creep in when I use the word “rebellion” because I don’t think of myself as a rebel. Perhaps that part of my identity is a work in progress as a former people pleaser, “good girl”, perfectionist, teacher’s pet, straight A student, rule follower. Takes some practice to shed the “good girl” style when society rewards it so well.

However, during my burnout journey, trying to do all the things that society says will lead to success and happiness like following the “american dream”, earning a college education, getting married, having children, home ownership, full-time job, putting financial stability and career advancement above my family and personal health…

following all the rules didn’t exactly pay off for me in the way I thought it would

I was burned out, disconnected from my kids, considering divorce, grieving a miscarriage, and struggling with my thyroid and chronic back pain. I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t hack it. Couldn’t achieve work-life balance and juggle everything. After reading a few good books and following more advocacy-focused IG accounts, I gained some clarity.

Burnout, Made-up Rules, & Profiting Off Insecurities

One light-bulb moment of clarity was when someone pointed out that the 40-hour work week was designed by old, rich, white men with domestic support. The concept of successful, full-time employment was made-up. There is no “right” way. These parameters are culturally-based rules not designed to work for everyone.

So that got me thinking more about who is profiting off of us not feeling good enough. I don’t want to be complicit in my own suffering and oppression. Maybe I’m whole and healthy as I am. Maybe I’m already enough. It feels rebellious to say my body hair, weight, hairstyle, work hours, etc could be already good enough. If I already accept and love who I am and how I am, I don’t have to buy a solution to a made-up problem.

Never Good Enough

When we don’t feel good enough, where is that coming from? Not good enough, compared to what? By whose standards? Not good enough according to whom? Society saying something is wrong with us and we need to “fix” ourselves of course impacts our self-worth and our ability to trust ourselves instead of turning to a blog or magazine article to find the answer. Self-improvement can go too far. It can discourage you from listening to your intuition. Where is the desire for change/improvement coming from? Do you want to eat “better” because pressure from the diet industry or because you know for yourself how you feel better or worse after eating certain foods.

Is it that you don’t measure up to society’s standards or is it coming from a different place? Plastic surgery, wearing makeup, hair removal, exercise, food choices are examples of when turning into your intention behind the desire can be extremely powerful. I am not here to police anyone’s decisions. I enjoy being playful and creative with my appearance but it no longer comes from a place of being less than. Know your why. Why do you want to improve or change? What can you radically accept about your reality (things that you have little/no control to change)?

Even from authority figures, don’t take advice at face value (e.g. doctor telling you to lose weight). How do those authority figures benefit if we need to spend money to achieve the next level? We can do more, be more, have nicer clothes, better technology, fancier vacations but is that in our best interest? It will never be enough. Do we strive and spend because we don’t want to feel less than anyone else? We keep up with the Jones’ to avoid feeling inferior or undesirable.

Self-love is not an easy choice. Not everyone has been given the tools to love themselves or have been taught self-acceptance. If self-love hasn’t been modeled by caregivers or you’ve never received unconditional positive regard, you might not have a framework for how self-love looks or feels. It might be hard to believe it or trust it when you do experience it.

Were you told you were precious? Did you feel wanted? Do you believe you deserve love, joy, and happiness? Were you told directly or not that in order to be loved and accepted you have to sacrifice, give, people-please, etc? According to leading trauma researcher, psychiatrist, and author, Dr. Gabor Mate, children and adults will first abandon themselves rather than abandoning others if we must choose to survive. Since we need connection to survive, it feels less risky to choose others and stifle ourselves because that does not threaten connection or push others away.

Supporting Toxic Systems

Even though it feels safer to not challenge the status quo or risk upsetting others and being shunned by them for your differences, not being rebellious can mean we are supporting toxic systems. This is how I reframed my “good girl” thoughts to ask: “If I feel not good enough, am I implicitly supporting systems I don’t agree with?” There are groups of people whose approval I do not want. I don’t want the acceptance and approval of bigots and misogynist. Those will multiple privileged identities benefit from our fucked up systems and impact matters more than intention. We are perpetuating the status quo. Guilt and performative actions do not help.

I don’t want to support white supremacy, toxic capitalism, and patriarchy. What is considered professional, successful, right, normal, healthy? What are the consequences for those who don’t fit the approved definition? Who benefits from folks being denied access to lots of things (health care, careers, homes, etc)?

Collectivistic and individualistic cultures have different perspectives on the self in relation to others so it’s not one-size-fits-all. Scientifically speaking, we are relational creatures and we need each other to survive. We are not meant to do life alone. Community is everything. It’s tricky though if we get the messages of:

• Don’t be needy or clingy or a burden

• Pull yourself up by your bootstraps

• It’s your own fault if you are struggling

• You are not working hard enough

• If you follow the rules, you have a chance at having a good life

But when the rules are designed to keep some people out and are impossible to follow, that means what, do some people not deserve to have a good life? More of society’s bullshit messages.

Who is deserving of help and support? Hating ourselves and hating others is the driving force of an oppressive system. Is white, wealthy, cishet, men the default? Historically, so much research (psychological and medical) has just assumed that what works for the “default” will work for everyone else as well. How do we diagnose and judge/determine if someone is mentally ill? Healthy? What symptoms.? Who makes the rules and definitions? Are we considering context and systems enough? (Nope).

There are millions of blind spots when thinking there is only one right way. It’s limiting and destructive for all, not just those who don’t fit the narrow definitions. What is the appropriate way to express anger? For whom? When can we be sad? We are often not allowed to human or ourselves. How can we love ourselves if we are constantly being told we are too much or not enough? We are never gonna win. It’s a losing battle to keep up with the status quo.

Society’s Impossible Standards

Once you know there are systemic barriers working as intended to keep folks in line and maintaining the status quo, it can hopefully be a little easier to view yourself with grace and self-compassion. Don’t blame yourself for society’s mistreatment. Society victim-blames and makes us think systemic problems should be solved individually. That’s why it’s rebellious to say you are good enough without following the trends and buying the newest products.

Society’s standards are impossible for many people. Was that best for me? It looked good on paper but not in real life. That can lead to dashed expectations and feeling chronically unsatisfied. Nothing will ever we good enough. It’s easier to let go of the judgement if we pivot away from the status quo. Are we gonna lose love, respect, money, and acceptance if we change course and reject the “supposed to”? Do we need to disrupt the life we have formed to create the life we actually want and need?

Pandemic Changes

When it comes to the collective trauma of the pandemic, there seems to be a variety of coping strategies as one is maintaining the status quo by acting like nothing should impact us or change the expectations—business as usual, don’t have needs, don’t be tired or need rest/time-off. Suck it up and solve your own problems so you can stay productive. It feels like gaslighting to ignore the reality of the pandemic (high-speed internet access, child-care, health worries, etc).

Thankfully, it seems like the culture may be shifting with the great resignation as folks are saying “maybe my quality of life is more important than a toxic job/career.” Folks are being more vocal about the flexibility and creative views of ways to work and be productive and successful. Perhaps we are no longer destroying ourselves for a paycheck. The growing empowerment for the workforce is a breath of fresh air. There is strength in numbers to push back against unhealthy expectations.

What You Can Control

Let’s figure out your controllables. What is within your control? Slowing down. Pausing before the reaction. Turn attention inward toward your intuition and nervous system. There are so many variables to consider with what is and is not in your control and what you can do about any of it at any given time. We know it’s not easy to just quit jobs or leave unhealthy relationships. People don’t choose to suffer. Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all. What’s realistic for you at this time? What can be done now and then maybe in the future?

We can question our judgement of what’s appropriate and what’s not. What can we do to change the feeling of never feeling good enough? Be less judgemental of our friends, neighborhoods, family, classmates, colleagues, etc. We can stop asking questions like:

• Are you actually wearing that?

• You only work part-time?

• You aren’t having children?

There are multiple ways to live life. There is no one right way to be. We can lessen our fear of losing connection or worrying what others’ think if we model and practice being kind, respectful, and compassionate towards others (and ourselves). We don’t have to share our judgemental opinion on someone else’s life, especially if it doesn’t concern or affect us at all.

Who knows what’s best for you? I have enough privileged identities that I thought following the rules would keep me safe. I assumed the status quo was looking out for my best interest. I made the faulty assumption that the government knows best (e.g. food quality guidelines, student loans, etc). But alas, no. It’s YOU. Ultimately, you know what’s best for you. Take into consideration facts and information and then live your life. Be open to changing your opinions and viewpoints when you learn more or know better. That’s growth and maturity. You have to live with the consequences.

In what ways do you not love yourself? When have you felt less than? How can we practice self-compassion and self-love? How can we disrupt the toxic systems? Where and when can we speak up and validate each other when we question the norms. Community care is the key. If we all go around secretly feeling like we aren’t good enough, how amazing would it be if we gave each other compliments and support instead of judgement. Be gentle. Are we allowed to be humans? Can we just take some moments to rest, replenish, and be. Life is hard enough already, why are we making it harder (for ourselves and others)?

It sets my soul on fire to help others transform pain into power and rebuild their life. As a therapist, I’m checking to see what support systems folks have and what do they want to recalibrate? What tools do they need and ones they already have to shift out of the life they thought they were supposed to have/want and into a life that actually works for them? It’s not an easy process to choose yourself and challenge the status quo. I can be your guide on your self-love journey. You don’t have to face it alone.

With love and acceptance,
~Desiree