Burnout is Not Your Fault
Hi everyone, Dr. Desiree Howell here, counseling psychologist, licensed to provide online therapy to adults in Florida and Pennsylvania. My specialties are couples work and burnout recovery.
Society Encourages Burnout
So I wanted to share my thoughts about sort of the cause of burnout. But my main point for sure is that burnout is not your fault. If you are burned out or if you have felt burned out, I just want you to know that I do not believe that it is your fault. It was not caused by you. It wasn't because you weren't strong enough or because you couldn't hack it or because you didn't make the right decisions. Not at all.
I do not believe that. Especially when you consider the systemic aspects and that you can't really measure someone's life in a vacuum. It's not just individualistic aspects like who you are, your personality or what's your mental or physical health, and what you do in your own household. We all live in a society. We live in larger contexts and when our society has been set up and built to work well for certain groups of people and not at all work in the favor of other groups of folks, then how could you possibly blame anyone for being burnt out, when you think about our society.
The Definition of “Normal”-Who Decides?
When I say our society, I mostly mean the United States. I want to speak more about what I know about and kind of stay in my lane as much as possible. But you know, Western society, capitalistic, white supremacy, patriarchy, in terms of what is valued and what's rewarded and what's punished. And in terms of what's valued and rewarded also thinking of the definitions of things. I feel like when you start to question the status quo a little bit, you can start to think about what's the definition of a successful adult. What's the definition of independence? What's the definition of healthy relationships or financial security or stability? What are the goals in life that people are celebrated for? What's the standard? What's normal? (I really dislike that word and I try not to ever say normal).
What's typical? A 40 hour work week, going to college or moving out of your parents' house at a certain age? There's a lot of things that have been designed and rewarded that doesn't work for everybody in society for a variety of reasons. And in terms of intersectionality, it's not just one or the other of folks who've been intentionally marginalized and oppressed versus folks that are privileged. There's different identities, different aspects of things that are privileged and rewarded or oppressed and othered.
So when I think about all those things, especially so many things that we can't control, we can't change, or we wouldn't want to change in reminds me that we're not all working with the same toolbox. We're not all equipped in the same way. We are really playing this game from different starting places and with different advantages and disadvantages.
So I really disagree with the idea of blaming an individual for being burnt out. I don't think anyone should feel shamed or like they messed something up. That's the tricky thing about burnout not being your fault. Society was only set up for certain folks to succeed. And again, that depends on different definitions of success. Taking into consideration so many things, so many needs, so many values.
How to Heal
So I think what gets folks to burnout is not their fault. And at the same time, like most changes in life, even if something's not your fault, then typically goes to having to assume the responsibility to make it better. What can you do to take control? What can you do to heal? What can you do to change things? And it's definitely in my opinion, a tricky place to be because I don't agree with blaming folks for past trauma or for being burnt out or for a lot of things. I think blaming individual folks is damaging. It's harmful. It's a waste of time. And, blaming folks or folks feeling badly about where they're at does not lead to positive change. You don't make things better with shame or by feeling badly about it.
So it is that fine line of, okay, it's not your fault that you're burnt out or that society is this way, and this is how we reward certain jobs and this is how finances are organized and so many other things, but then, okay, what can you do about it? What pieces of society are you going to embrace? And some things are like, okay, do we have to deal with this? When do we have to play the game? There's no way around it versus what are things that we're saying, no, we reject that rule. It doesn't make sense. We don't need it in our life. This is not how I'm going to measure success. So what do you want to keep? What do you want to get rid of and how can you heal your burnout that was not your fault to begin with?
So for anyone thinking of working with me in the future or referring potential clients to me, I just want you to know that is my stance. As I help high achievers or highly sensitive folks recover from burnout and really heal and recalibrate and build a new life of ease and alignment; that is the stance I take that it is not your fault and you can have better. We can make changes. Take care, everyone.
