Women’s Courage is Contagious
Hi, everyone. Today's topic is the phrase that I used towards the end of my burnout recovery journey and definitely during my lifelong empowerment journey—and that is courage is contagious. Courage is contagious. I know the word contagious can bring up a lot of reactions right now, especially with the pandemic and thinking of contagious as disease and illness being spread. So I realized there's a negative connotation with the word contagious, but I do want to put it out there that the phrase of courage is contagious really means a lot to me, and is obviously a positive spin on the idea of things being contagious.
Permission
Some of what I want to share today is my mixed feelings about the word permission. So when it comes to permission, there's definitely a part of me that thinks:
For women, why do we need to seek permission?
Why do we need someone else's approval or someone else's green light to go ahead in order to make big or small life changes
Why do we need permission to eat that food or permission to wear that outfit or permission to start our own business
Somebody’s approval saying: yes, you're good enough. You're ready. You can do this.
Permission to leave an unhealthy relationship
Permission to quit your job.
I just…there's definitely a huge part of me that doesn't like the idea that, that women need permission, or we feel like we need permission.
Unsafe to Be Powerful
But on the other hand, the more empathic side, I guess a part of me knows that historically, in our society, it's not really always been safe. And honestly, even now, the safety of women really stepping into their power and making decisions is not always there. It's not always been safe or legal for some things for women to own property, vote, have credit and it's not been safe historically for women to be visible, wealthy, or outspoken. It's not been safe. To explore more about the historical sense of that and the safety and the visibility I highly recommend you read Patriarchy Stress Disorder, the book by Dr. Valerie Rein, if you haven't it's in the resources page here on the website. I have a lot of books that I love listed and that's one of them.
So, with that being said, I'm like, okay, that makes sense that women again, some women, depending on the decision still feel like we need permission from an authority figure, somebody on the internet or a mentor or a friend or a family member to say like, yeah, you got this, you can do this, or why not get your haircut, dye it blue wear the sparkly shoes, and quit that job.
So yeah, it's like, I don't want us to need permission, but I get why we might need it and seek it and want it, especially because if being visible and making those life decisions have not been historically safe for us, then that means, our nervous system, our fight flight freeze system gets activated and having permission from an outside source can really soothe that. Okay, well, so-and-so thinks it's okay. So-and-so thinks I can do it. That can really, that can have a soothing effect.
Modeling Courage-It’s Safe & Possible
So yeah, with that being said, so permission aside or permission being a part of it, right. I think about how contagious (in a lovely way) it is when I see other women modeling empowerment, self care, self-worth and confidence. When I see a woman dancing in public or wearing comfy or sparkly or colorful clothes. When I see a woman with brightly colored hair and that's not even…those are really pretty tame examples. But then when I see people quitting jobs or leaving abusive relationships or starting their own businesses or just making decisions that align with their values, their needs you know, their nervous system, their happiness being prioritized. It's just really inspiring.
I appreciate the modeling and I think: if she can be brave, if she can be courageous, if she can make these decisions, then so can I. Why not me? If she can wear that outfit and feel good and seemingly not care about what other people think then of course I can. Why not me too?
While I know that my well-being and my joy matters more than worrying about what other people think, it's very much easier said than done with people pleasing and again, with how unsafe it is to not care about other people's judgment. And so, honestly, as I'm picking apart language, there's a part of me that's like, why should that even be courageous, right? Why are we even using the word courageous for some of these decisions?, but that's how it is.
There's so much judgment and so much policing of people of all genders, but so much policing, especially of women of:
How you can wear your hair
What kind of clothes are appropriate.
Are you allowed to go on a jog by yourself or go out at night?
There's just so much policing of like, what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. And so the fact that I'm even having to use the word courageous for just being a human and making decisions feels interesting.
Gratitude for the Courageous Women Choosing Themselves
So I wanted to put that out there that I so appreciate every time I saw bold, courageous, empowered women, making decisions and really thinking through what was best for their career, their emotions, their happiness, their goals. And again, not in a selfish way, it's feels silly that I even have to have that caveat, I guess I don't have to have that caveat, but it doesn't mean that then they were, you know, bulldozing or neglecting anybody else in the process. It doesn't hurt anyone if a woman's dancing around wearing sparkly stuff, but then there still could be like a group of women or men or whoever saying like, oh, why is she wearing that? Why is she doing that? And that's just, yeah, the ugliness we don't need in the world. Right. So I want to share how much gratitude I feel for seeing other women modeling being courageous, being bold, being empowered.
The Courageous Power of Therapy Groups
But I also want to throw in a quick caveat about group therapy. A lot of my career in the past was spent at university counseling centers and I absolutely have always loved group therapy. As soon as I learned about it and got to facilitate it for the first time in my training, the power of group just blew me away. I just absolutely loved seeing people:
Connect and build trust
Sometimes have a rupture but then have a repair practice
Learn new skills-new ways of being
Practicing being vulnerable
Practicing the act of asking for their needs to be met
Practicing giving tough feedback to somebody else saying: Hey, you know, that hurt my feelings or, Hey, that's really rubbing me the wrong way. Or, Hey, can you say more? What do you mean by that?
And I've run a lot of different kinds of groups with different topics including a women's empowerment group for sexual assault survivors, first-generation college student group, a DBT skills group, a grief and loss group, graduate students support and process groups. I know I'm forgetting some, but I've had the privilege to—oh, a healthy relationships groups!
It was just so beautiful and meaningful when I saw courage being contagious in those settings. Because you would be in the presence of other people being brave, making those bold decisions like they're going to set and maintain that boundary. They're going to switch rooms and leave that roommate. They're going to not answer the text or the phone call when the same abusive person keeps asking them for something.
Being in that presence and really feeling it when people are being courageous and bold and taking those risks, it can be so beautiful and empowering. Most people will say:
Then, wow, if this person right next to me is doing those scary things and is now building a better life from that, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it activated my fight flight or freeze system, they did it. They said the hard thing! They did, the hard thing either like in their outside of group life or right there in group.
That's even more powerful being able to feel it right then and knowing:
Wow, okay, I can do hard things (as Glennon Doyle says) and courage is contagious because if they're being courageous right next to me, then why can't I? If they can do it then, so can I. I deserve a good life too. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to build a life that works for me, with my values in alignment with what I need.
Permission to Build Your Aligned Life
So I want to put that out there to the world: the permission to build a life that works for you, regardless if others understand or approve. And I know how hard that is, but it feels even harder and worse to live with the regrets of what if I would have done this? What if I would've chosen this? Oh, I chose the boring, safe outfit, even though I wanted the sparkly rainbow one, but I didn't want people to point or laugh or look at me. And again, small example there, small example, but I want that for you to really be able to look at your life and make the decisions that work for you. Alright. Courage is contagious. Go out and be courageous. I'm rooting for you!
