Making Boundaries Actually Work
Hi everyone. Dr. Desiree here, talking about boundaries today!
I'm so curious, what you all think or feel when you hear the word boundaries? There's such a wide range of how that word impacts folks. I think some people are sick of it and it's almost become overused similar to the word self-care. I think for others it feels so vague that like: I don't even know what that means. What are we talking about boundaries? Is that just telling people no, or saying no to things? And others are like: I have not had any good healthy boundaries modeled for me so I don't even know what that looks like or what that could look like.
Humans Have Needs & Wants
I feel like discussions on boundaries can be really over simplified in terms of how plenty of self-help books and podcasts and posts on Instagram and other social media can say: just so you know, you deserve a break. And I say that too on my social media. I want to be inspiring and encouraging and put that sort of permission out there for folks to know that it's okay to do these things. It's okay to have boundaries. It's okay to have needs. And not just that it's okay, it's human! You're human. Thus you have needs and wants!
While I think that's important, but that's just scratching the surface. I think it's discussed far less, how once you gathered up the courage to set a boundary, to communicate it clearly, to maintain it, to enforce it and to have consequences that are communicated and then followed through, if someone disrespects that boundary, that's talked about much less. Although there are a few good books out there, check out my resources page for books I recommend.
Actually Implementing Advice on Boundary Setting
That's what I feel like I really help folks with in my individual online therapy work with adults in Florida and Pennsylvania is we figure out, okay, how do we implement this wisdom, this advice and so on and so forth. How do we actually put that in your life? And how can you work through and practice the discomfort, the difficult conversations, maybe the feelings of guilt or shame you can that are going to bubble up. When you say no to people you love or opportunities that you want to do, or things that you feel like you need to do, or be a part of in order to feel safe in order with feel love. That's that takes a lot more support, guidance, practice, really working through the discomfort and the core things that come up under and behind that setting and maintaining boundaries. That's not a quick, easy process where you just see a quick meme and then now you transform your life. It's an ongoing process.
Communicating How You Want to Be Treated
You have to decide why is it worth it for you? Why do you want to maybe change boundaries in your life? How is it even if there's some upfront discomfort, how is it ultimately in the long run, going to be better for you in your relationships or your career in your life? In general? Because to me, boundaries are the daily communication of how you want to be treated right for different things at different times. So how does anyone know besides, I guess, basic respect, but even that's up for grabs, right? What counts as basic respect, but I think without boundaries being communicated, it's like, we wouldn't know until it happened, if we were being violated or mistreated or things just weren't fitting.
So it just feels like so fascinating to me because the more you know yourself, the more you know your needs. And once again, they fluctuate. It's not like it's just set in stone, this is always how it is, but really knowing what you need and what you want. So you know how you need and want other people to treat you right. You knowing other people's boundaries so you know how they would like to be treated. You know what's too much, what's not enough, what's appropriate and what's inappropriate. What is respect? What is abuse?
Society Punishes Women for Having Boundaries
So really being able to check in and figure out what's getting in the way of setting or enforcing those boundaries because again, society really, really rewards a lot of people, but especially women for not having boundaries. For destroying yourself in service of others, for pushing down your needs and your wants in order to make space and energy and time and money for other people's needs and wants. That's absolutely rewarded for most women. And, and some men too, for sure, but…
I don't think society has to run that way. Why do some people with more marginalized identities, why do those folks have to be exploited? Why did they have to be destroyed? Why did they not, why are they not allowed to have their needs met? I don't understand the societal expectation for women specifically that you should always have to give up who you are and serve others just because you were born female or self identify as female? Like, why is that part of our society?
I mean, I guess I know why, but I'm just saying, I think it's b******t and I'm tired of people suffering. I'm tired of people suffering and not getting what they need. So if you would love to talk more about boundaries definitely let me know. Let me know how you're doing and what does eally enforcing boundaries look like for you? What are the fears that come up, that if you do this, then this, this, and this will happen? And figuring out what it's worth and what are the consequences of having boundaries, not having boundaries in different situations with different people? And what is it worth again? Take care.
