Challenging the Status Quo as a People-Pleaser
Hi everyone Dr. Desiree here. Today we're talking about challenging the status quo as a former people-pleaser and how tough that can be.
The Status Quo is Designed to Burn Us Out
So, not everyone is a natural rebel. Society really rewards people for falling in line and for following the status quo. That's communicated as being needed for society to run smoothly. I'm not saying that being a good citizen and being involved with the status quo in that way is a problem. However, there's a lot about society and how large systems are set up that are designed to be exploited, designed to keep people broke, struggling, burnt out, working really hard and prioritizing money and work over health, family, love, and bliss.
My Road to Burning Out
So with all that being said, I just want to share a little bit about how part of my burnout recovery journey was growing up, low SES, struggling financially that I was really taught by my family to go to college. That getting good grades in school, getting a degree, getting a job you love is the best way to keep yourself safe; the best way to build a good life. And and so for sure, I internalized that and I was this straight A student, the teacher's pet, the star student, the good girl really wanting to be rewarded and approved of for keeping the peace.
Plus being a woman in America and all that entails, so I really grew to internalize putting other needs first. Not being selfish, not wanting to be a burden. Not wanting to be high maintenance. I thought that was one of the worst insults someone could give me. And so it was always about being considerate. What other people need. How do I need to change to be better for others? And how do I flow with the status quo and society, you know, the American dream, the system saying, this is what you do. And if you do X, Y, or Z, we'll be rewarded with safety and a good life.
And, you know, I tried to play the game and do everything right. Lots of student loans to get those degrees and try to have some social upward mobility and have a meaningful career, and ideally not struggle to pay the bills and have a decent life and travel and have a happy family and be helping.
Never Enough
And at some point in my burnout recovery journey, you know, as things started adding up and I realized things, weren't working out exactly. I get all the things I thought I played my role. Well, you know, I sacrificed and yet still there were so many struggles and it didn't seem like it needed to be that hard.
And so when I started learning more and more about different systemic pieces, I stopped blaming myself and saying like:
Oh, I just can't hack it.
Why am I not strong enough?
Why am I not working hard enough?
Why don't I have more energy?
If only I had this hack and I figured out how to do 10 more things on my to do list every day, then I would have that well-rounded balanced, healthy life.
But that wasn't the case. It was never enough, no matter what it was, whether that was time, energy, money, it was never enough, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how many sacrifices I made, there were still ways in which the things that truly mattered to me, like loved ones, health, nature—there still wasn't room for that.
No Longer Paying the Price for Society’s Approval
It felt like in my life and in society, the rule of the game is to earn enough money to pay for things. You know, I would have to sacrifice something for that. And, you know, there were some big wake-up calls and it just no longer made sense. It felt like my takeaway message was in order to obtain society's approval. I was no longer willing to pay the price for that approval, what it took to get that was no longer valuable enough to me.
So I would rather step out of some of the game and challenge the status quo in terms of money, work, mental health, and relationships.
What does a good life look like?
What does success look like?
Just challenging those things and saying, that's not for me. Working 40 to 60 hours a week is not for me. I can't pay that price, not for who I am with my family's needs and how my idea of a good life looks. It doesn't match that.
Designing a Life of Alignment
And so it took a lot of support, a lot of courage, a lot of risk-taking, and a lot of tears over some years to make different decisions along the way to keep pivoting, to keep slowly getting closer and closer to the goal of me designing a life that actually aligned my values and needs with what my daily life look like.
Instead of just saying that health and my children and nature and travel and rest were important, actually saying, “okay, but then how does my daily life look, let's make that match up.”
So talking to those people pleasers out there for former people-pleasers and folks who are just really used to saying like, I'm doing everything right. You know, why do I still still feel overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, empty, unfulfilled. Like, it's never good enough. Even if you set new goals and you keep striving. Just know that it's not you, it's not that you're failing and it's not that you're not good enough in some way. It's really society's expectations for what you should be doing in your home life.
Expectations
Examine your personal life in those roles, whether you're a parent or not, whether you're partnered or not, what kind of partner are you?, what kind of parent are you? What kind of adult are you? And then at work, right expectations-what you need to do to get the job done. This is what you need to do if you want to keep this position. This is what's expected of you. No one is eating lunch or nobody is working less than 12 hours. If you want that promotion, if you want that money, if you want to be respected and valued at this establishment.
Rewarded for Remaining Small & Quiet
So that's for sure why my heart is there in terms of women's empowerment, really thinking about how can former people-pleasers, who are really rewarded for keeping quiet or maintaining the status quo, maintaining the peace, ignoring your inner needs to be liked and accepted by others, moving through life that way, because it felt safer.
If you now are like:
Oh my gosh, what have I destroyed in the process?
What have I given up?
What is the price that I paid to be here?
And you want to pivot your life in small ways, in large ways, I'm not going to push, pressure, or insists that there's only one right way. Healing and creating a beautiful life is going to look different for different folks. We all need different things on different days and in different amounts. So I love being able to be here as a helpful guide, as an advocate to help people that journey of saying:
All right, there's a few things in life that is not working anymore:
I can no longer tolerate this.
I can no longer play by all the rules of society and the status quo.
It does not work for me.
It doesn't work for my nervous system.
It doesn't work for my goals or my needs.
I need to build a life that looks & feels right for me.
You’re Not Asking for Too Much
I can help you design an individualized unique path that works for you. I feel like that's not asking too much for you to design a life that works for you. To be able to get up when you want in the morning to eat the foods that you want, when you want to eat those foods, to be in control of how you earn a living, to be in control of doing what you need for your body. So many things that's not too much to ask. It's not too much to ask.
So even former people-pleasers and folks who are used to being viewed positively by others because of how much they've given up on themselves. There's hope.
You don't have to do that anymore.
You can still be loved.
You can still be successful.
We can change the game! It's not that you need fixed, it's that the environment needs to change. All right. So it's there and it's possible. And I'm happy to be of help of figuring out the answer to “Okay, what needs to be done differently and how can we shape your world to better work for you? “
Take care, everyone.
