Hi, everyone. Today's video is specifically for highly sensitive parents. So if you identify as an HSP, a highly sensitive person, and you have a child or children whom you parent this'll probably be most relevant for you.

Permission for Only Minutes per Day

I just want to share how invalidating and tough it was when I was a new mom reading the popular magazines and books about becoming a parent. When I read those articles and read those books about many things, but so many times those publications would say: “parenting is tough, new mom. Make sure you take five to 10 minutes to yourself. Even if it's five minutes to just go to the bathroom alone or 10 minutes to decompress and to read a magazine.” It seemed supportive to say, take five to 10 minutes to yourself for yourself. And I got to say, that felt very normalizing to me. I didn't really, per se, know the difference. And I was reading that message in a lot of different places. So I came to think, okay, so this is how modern parenting is done. This is what's expected of folks.

Time for Ourselves

And so it wasn't until later when I learned more about burnout and when I learned about being a highly sensitive person (because I did not know about highly sensitive as a trait back when my children were born). that I started connecting those dots with: I'm an HSP, this is what this means for my nervous system for sensations, for how I perceived the world, for my needs, the positives, the challenges related to being an HSP. So I learned kind of all those pieces. And then of course got through the baby stage with my two sons. other things, especially like the second shift and in heterosexual relationships, the stats of how much more women do housework and childcare than men.

So combining all of these, all these pieces of information, I thought, oh my goodness, the advice to take five to 10 minutes to yourself is just impossible. I don't know. It just seems so absurd now, looking back. I remember even then reading five to 10 minutes, it scared me. I thought, oh my gosh, I need more than five to 10 minutes to reset my nervous system. Although that's not how I thought about it back then. But to rejuvenate and recharge the internal battery, to decompress, just reset and feel like a human, I just was shocked again at the thought of 5-10 minutes being normal.

Unrealistic Expectations

Then thinking back, it's just shocking to think five to 10 minutes was the recommendation of how much a mom could take for herself. It wasn't directly necessarily stated but more implied that every other waking moment had to be in service to others. And again, that just seems so bizarre and overwhelming to me. How would anyone have enough time for self care if the norm or the expectation was that you could have five to 10 minutes to yourself, but presumably all the other time needs to be working for money or working in the home taking care of your new child or serving other members of the family?

I know that young children and babies need a lot of care. It gets easier when they're older and they can entertain themselves. But even when you have young children, that's why there's at least the cliche that it takes a village. But then it feels like we're still not set up always, especially in individualistic, white cultures of “do everything yourself and don't ask for help.” The idea of not having extended family or like a nice exchange of babysitting with a neighbor or friends or if you're partnered, the expectations of how are we going to share these responsibilities? It just seems like such a recipe for burnout and overwhelm and unhappiness to think that a new mom, could only have five to 10 minutes, a day of quiet or privacy.

And so, as an HSP, I was like, that's insane. I feel like I need hours to take care of myself and do what I need to do. And of course I made it through the baby stage for both my children but it took a lot of communicating and making arrangements. With one of our children, we had a lot of family around and with our other child, we did not. We definitely could feel the difference between those circumstances.

Nothing Wrong with Needing More Time

I think everyone really should be able to decide what's best for them and their family and the support you do have and really honoring your needs, not feeling like you're a bad mom or you're not strong enough if you need more than five to 10 minutes a day. Cause I for sure felt that way. Back when I read it, I thought, oh my gosh:

• Am I high maintenance?

• Am I not meant to be a mom?

• Am I not nurturing enough?

• What's wrong with me that I need more than five to 10 minutes a day to myself?

And so I don't want anyone to feel that way. And if I would've seen some sort of video or just had someone in my life, tell me that's preposterous. Why are these magazines and books saying steal away five to 10 minutes for yourself? Mama. Like if somebody would have told me what, why are they saying that? I would have felt so much better. I would have felt relieved and validated that yeah, there wasn't anything wrong with me. So I want to, especially put this out there for highly sensitive mothers. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you're high maintenance or you aren't going to be a good enough mom or that you're going to neglect your children.

We Can Make Our Own Normal

There really is room for everybody to have their needs met. And I just really wish that it was not perpetuated that women and mothers are lucky to get a few minutes to themselves. It really does not sound or feel good when I say that. So just know we make our own normal, we can make our own normal. All right, take care. Everyone take more than five to 10 minutes today to take care of yourself!